Diary of a Lousy Vampire

                                                                

July 12

Dear diary,

Tonight I was getting ready for bed and looked out my window at the trees and grass sparkling in the dew. "How lovely!" I exclaimed as I opened the window by my bed. I pushed it out so I could see better. When I did, however, I noticed a strange man standing in my yard. I was ripe with anger.

"You sir!" I hollered, "Get off of my lawn, or you shall kill the grass!" Well, diary, when he looked up, he was the palest chap I had ever seen. Though I hadn't time to stare for in no time, my hands had slipped on the slick window pane and I was sent careening towards the ground. Luckily, the stranger broke my fall. Upon examining myself, I noticed that my knees hurt, my ears were ringing and I was seeing stars. Nothing out of the ordinary. But oh! My arm! It burnt; a new wound. Undoing my sleeve, I noticed teeth marks. I had fallen on the poor bloke's teeth.

"A thousand pardons!" I said, stumbling off of the man. He pushed me off with a great strength and, with a fire in his eyes, straitened his jacket and strode off.

I shrugged off his ill-humor and went inside to tend to my wound.


July 13

Dear Diary,

I am in so much pain! I cleaned out the wound, but it did not soothe it! I have been popping pain pills like crazy; I think I'm going crazy! I can't do anything right! I am lying on my couch as I write, feeling thoroughly sorry for myself and watching Laurel and Hardy reruns. I want to die.


July 14

Dear diary,

In pain. Too depressed to write. Why did I fall out of the window?!?!? I am stupid. Good night.


July 15

Dear diary,

I thought I felt better today, but then I woke up and I hurt worse. Bad day.


July 16

Dear diary,

I feel better today. It may be a dream, but I'm too afraid to wake myself up. I have been looking in the family medical book, but nothing is coming up. I found a slip of paper with some writing on it. I picked it up and got a paper cut on my thumb. (I can't do anything right!) It read, "If you are in terrible pain, but you don't particularly know why, and you feel like you want to die, you are a vampire."

It makes absolutely no sense and I think whoever wrote it was crazy. In any case, I don't hurt anymore. Maybe it was just a cold in my arm. My arm had a cold. I am hungry now. Going to go to the fridge and get a sandwich.


July 17

Dear diary,

All my food tastes like dirt! I can't believe it! Even the preserved ones! I fear that, while I was on the couch with an arm cold, the air got to my food and spoiled it all. I'm off to the market to get some more.


July 17 1/2

Dear diary,

The sun is quite hot today and I felt a sunburn coming on. I rushed home for my sunscreen and caked it on. I'm on my way out again.


July 18

Dear diary,

I don't believe it! All the food I bought tastes like dirt as well! I must have chosen all the bad food off of the shelves. My incredibly bad luck astounds me sometimes.


July 19

Dear diary,

Couldn't sleep tonight. I wasn't disturbed…I just couldn't. I could close my eyes, but I just stayed awake. All the way until this morning, and now I'm tired. I've never been a night owl before. Odd. I spent my early morning on the computer researching vampires. I think I am one.


July 20

Dear diary,

I can't do anything right! I didn't even become a vampire right! I fell on him!

I'm ravenously hungry. I'm going out tonight.


July 21

Dear diary,

Last night I went prowling. I'm a failure. I captured one girl. I kept biting her, but I couldn't find a vein. It was almost daylight, so I just told her to go home.  Maybe she'll be a better vampire than me.


July 25

Dear diary,

I'm a failure. I haven't fed since I became a vampire. How does everyone hide their veins so well? Why can't I find them?


September 3

Dear diary,

It's a good thing I can't die from hunger, because I haven't eaten yet. I'm terrible at this. Everyone in town is a vampire now. Where am I supposed to find food?

I'm a failure.